I wanted to let you know $45 was raised for the American Cancer Society!
My birthday didn’t start out so well. I couldn’t go to sleep and ended up crying myself to sleep. I was really missing mom. But the day didn’t turn out too bad. I went to IHOP and then the mall. The only thing I bought myself was a flu shot at the Health Expo! LOL!
The next day was much harder. I went to the cemetery for the first time. I haven’t been able to make myself go until now. I have a form of Muscular Dystrophy and this form usually causes death in infancy. I just turned 34. Mom and dad have taken wonderful care of me and are a big part of why I’m still going strong. I wanted to show mom I was ok and still proving the doctors (who said I wouldn’t make it to 4) wrong. And to thank her. My heart broke, but I knew she heard me.
My mom was a wonderful, but a stubborn, woman. Around October 2007, she got this awful cough. We badgered until she went to the doctor. Now, I like this doctor, but he let’s his patients diagnose themselves too often. Mom came home with antibiotics both times. She told him that she felt she had bronchitis. After the second round of meds didn’t work, we made her ask for a chest x-ray. Well, several x-rays and MRIs later, she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer after Thanksgiving.
She was very positive and so was I. I didn’t know at the time she was already at stage 4.
She began chemo on December 15. By January, she was really sick. Her left lung was filling with fluid over and over again, she developed blood clots in her legs and right lung and she spent all but 3 days of January in the cancer ward at Monongalia General Hospital. She couldn’t have been in a more caring and loving place.
In late February/early March, we were told the chemo wasn’t working. The oncologist told us there was a pill we could try, but the side effects were horrible. Dad and I had questions, but he couldn’t ask the most important one, so I did. I asked at this stage will it really help or should we let nature take it’s course? He was very honest. He said she may get a few more months, but they’d be hell. He said he’d let nature take it’s course if it was his mother.
We made the hardest decision ever and mom passed away, at home, in her sleep on April 24, 2008.
It took me a long time to write this because it hurts so much. My birthday is October 17, my first without my best friend, my hero, my Mama. If writing this can convince even one person to quit smoking, that’d be the best gift ever.
When? Everyone keeps telling me it’ll get easier, and I know they mean well, but I want to know when? Tuesday will be two months and it just seems to get harder. Dad thinks I’m keeping too much inside, and maybe I am, but there’s only a few people I can talk to and they are hurting as bad as I am.
I know this blog is here for this very reason. I wanted to talk about Mama and her life and I guess that includes her sickness and death. Instead of letting it sit here, maybe I should use it. It will be good to have a place to remember good and bad times. And to grieve without worrying about making someone else sad.
It’ll be 2 weeks tomorrow since Mom passed away. When do you stop counting like that? How long does it take before every tiny thing makes you think of a memory? When will I be able to stop talking about her death on this blog and start talking about her life? She really was an amazing woman and I want everyone to know her.
Soon, I hope.
Today was a hard day. We finally got Mom’s ashes and laid her to rest. I didn’t think I could get through it. All that was left of my Mom was her ashes in a marble box. Dad asked me to tell her goodbye. I couldn’t. I said them in my head, but my voice wouldn’t work. I don’t know how to say it. She was my mom, best friend and everything else that was good.
and 2 days since Mama passed away. It’s not getting easier. Will it ever? I haven’t cried in a few days, but I feel like I have a huge hole where my heart’s supposed to be.
A couple of family friends want us to go to church with them tomorrow. I just can’t. Don’t get me wrong…I still believe and have faith in God, but I’m mad. How could He take her on top of everything else that’s happened over the last few years? How could He leave Dad and I alone?
I know I’ll make peace with God, it just needs to be at my pace.
This site is dedicated to the most amazing woman I know, my mom. I was making it as a journal celebrating her life as well as the daily trails and joys of caring for someone with terminal lung cancer. Mom lost her battle last Thursday, April 24, 2008 before I finished this blog. I decided to finish it because I still want to celebrate her, tell our tale and try to deal with this huge emptiness I feel.
Never forget to tell those you love how you feel. It could be your last chance.
Loreen (Lori) Lee Uphold Hurley
April 13, 1949 – April 24, 2008