My birthday didn’t start out so well. I couldn’t go to sleep and ended up crying myself to sleep. I was really missing mom. But the day didn’t turn out too bad. I went to IHOP and then the mall. The only thing I bought myself was a flu shot at the Health Expo! LOL!

The next day was much harder. I went to the cemetery for the first time. I haven’t been able to make myself go until now. I have a form of Muscular Dystrophy and this form usually causes death in infancy. I just turned 34. Mom and dad have taken wonderful care of me and are a big part of why I’m still going strong. I wanted to show mom I was ok and still proving the doctors (who said I wouldn’t make it to 4) wrong. And to thank her. My heart broke, but I knew she heard me.

When? Everyone keeps telling me it’ll get easier, and I know they mean well, but I want to know when? Tuesday will be two months and it just seems to get harder. Dad thinks I’m keeping too much inside, and maybe I am, but there’s only a few people I can talk to and they are hurting as bad as I am.

I know this blog is here for this very reason. I wanted to talk about Mama and her life and I guess that includes her sickness and death. Instead of letting it sit here, maybe I should use it. It will be good to have a place to remember good and bad times. And to grieve without worrying about making someone else sad.

and 2 days since Mama passed away. It’s not getting easier. Will it ever? I haven’t cried in a few days, but I feel like I have a huge hole where my heart’s supposed to be.

A couple of family friends want us to go to church with them tomorrow. I just can’t. Don’t get me wrong…I still believe and have faith in God, but I’m mad. How could He take her on top of everything else that’s happened over the last few years? How could He leave Dad and I alone?

I know I’ll make peace with God, it just needs to be at my pace.